Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Help needed. Signs in or about nature that don't make sense.

When I'm searching for post ideas I often come across some strange stuff. I'm sure a lot of what I find is taken out of context or is lost in translation. Still, these signs/images are fantastically strange and hilarius.


Apparently England is a bad place to live if you have a foot fetish. But I saved the best for last, I think. I don't know what this is. If it's a book cover, where is the author's name? Is this all about deforestation? What's he doing on that tree? OMG, if I contemplate this any longer I'll end up in a padded room.

Short and sweet post today, but after some of my recent eternal posts, that is probably a good thing.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Shopping the Forest- Shaw Rugs Impressions- Forest!

Cool rug, huh! That will definitely help to bring the forest indoors. This comes from Amazon.com. This size is 5X8 and costs $399.00. Not cheap but I love this. It would have to definitely go in a room that no kids or pets ever set foot (or paw) in. Shaw Rugs have different sizes too. What an accent piece!

Forest Picture of the Week

So according to Blogger Stats, this is my most viewed post ever. Really? Not this particular post you are looking at right now, but the first forest picture of the week post I put on this blog. The thing about that post was that it didn't contain any of my writing! Just a picture, and that wasn't even mine! Well I'm not going to take this personal I decided. And I am just like, hey, if this draws traffic to my blog then okay. I think what it actually is though, is that people are searching for a forest picture of the week from a bigger website and they landed on my blog instead. Whatever!

Anyway, here is the new forest of the week picture, it is a rain forest. And I guess I am a couple of weeks late on this, since it is a weekly feature that I forgot all about. I'll post a new one next Monday, as I have no intention of letting my new forest pic audience down now. 

P.S. You should vote in my weekly polls, they are fun

How to Keep From Killing People with Free Forest Therapy.

Okay, first let me apologize for the imprint that is left on the photo above as I am cheap. Now, have you ever noticed while out walking in the woods that some strange, unseen force seems to sneak all your repetitively worried, and negative thoughts away? It happens to me every single time. If this hasn't happened to you, it is because it has been so long since you were in the woods that you don't remember it! Another thing that could have happened is that you may have escaped to the woods because you needed to get away from the problems of life for a little while. Then having been in the woods for a half hour or so, all of a sudden solutions start coming to your mind of how to make your life less of a mess. What is this phenomenon?

Well actually, it is just getting your butt back into nature, back into the world you came from but have kept yourself away for so long. And also, there is an essence and atmosphere in a forest setting that is not present anywhere else in the world. The forest is said to have spirits, some seen and some unseen that walk beside you and comfort you along the way. The motives of the forest are entirely built around the natural rhythms of nature, while ours are built around housing ourselves, throwing groceries down our pie hole, and paying our enormous cell phone bills. Commercial outfits and corporations have long ago seen a need to profit from all the stress they give us, and they do the best they can to sell us products so we can de-stress our lives. You can buy forest therapy candles, lotions, books, meditation Cd's, meditation videos and even screensavers to save you from opening a can of crazy on everyone at work.

These are nice items, don't get me wrong, but as soon as these items are out of your sight and mind you are right back to wanting to get this out:

By far though, my favorite thing to pick on in terms of "natural stress relief" is the spas. Some of the things they get rich people to pay for just cracks me up. And just so you know, if things get to be too much for you, I will come over to your place and put hot rocks on your back and mud on your face for free! Hey, that's what nature buddies are for. Anyway, here are some new "bring the forest to you" spa treatments that will be coming to your local richlazyoldbaghangout spa soon:  

Lols! If you're not afraid of snakes slithering all over you, then why don't you just go out into real nature? Heck, I would only charge this girl (she's not my nature buddy) only five bucks to row her out to that little island out in the middle of the lake, you know that island in every lake they call SNAKE ISLAND! She would love it there.

I would doubly love to know how much this guy paid to lay on this "earth bed" at the nature spa. Yes, I'm sure there is not one bug on that. Although I do have to say, it does look pretty comfortable.

So what do you do for stress relief if none of the above ripoffs options work for you? Or what if you don't even live anywhere near a forest or woods? Well then I guess you have just got only two choices if you were planning on some stress relief. The first choice is just to stop worrying about anything, at all ever, anyway, because;

The other choice, and the one I would choose, is guided forest meditation. Now just read me out on this!! It works trust me, although not anywhere as well as being out in the forest for real. But sometimes, as we all know, we have to settle for the next best thing. First off, you need to get you some forest tree essential oil. It has to be an essential oil from some tree (or plant) in the forest (fir,birch, etc.), and not a synthetic blend oil. You can mix a few drops of different forest tree essential oils in a carrier oil like almond oil to create your own natural forest oil blend. Because these essential oils are extracted from the tree, it is the closest approximation to being in a forest setting as you can get (in your mind) without actually being there. You can get these online or at any natural health food store or new age-type store. Also at these places you can get these;

.....which sounds really hokey but when you use these essential oils and natural essences with guided forest meditation, it is like a holodeck for your forest therapy experience. I like guided meditation because I'm too impatient to focus my mind long enough to achieve any lasting, therapeutic effect. If you are new to meditation, then you will probably want to start with the guided stuff anyway. You can buy guided forest meditation Cd's and downloads online and in those new-age type shops. There are some on YouTube for free (see below). The YouTube ones though tend to be too short, but are great if you only got about ten minutes.

So here we go, remember these steps for your virtual forest stress relief. 

Step one: Say to yourself "forest therapy session beginning now".

Step two: Start guided forest meditation video or start focusing on a picture like the one below and pretending you are right in that setting.

Step three: Lube yourself up with the forest tree essential oils or start sniffing the essences.

Step four: Relax, close your eyes, block out any outside thoughts or noise that doesn't coincide with your sensory experience. And speaking of a sensory experience, might as well imagine something sexy coming down your path and checking you out. Enjoy.

 Forest Mediation Scene to Focus on:

Guided Forest Meditation Video:

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tents! The wonderful, the impractical, the stupid.

Huzzah! Why camp in the same old boring tents you find at Cabela's (or even worse, Walmart) when you can stand out in a fine medieval number such as the one above. You see, tent manufacturers lie to you all the time. I don't care what kind of guarantee they give you, the tents are still toast after a decent storm hits them. Or if you don't pack it up with the same mechanical precision it was done at the factory (or a drop of water is trapped in it) it's not likely your $300 tent is going to make it through more than a few trips. So if you are going to blow a fat wad on really  temporary shelters, might as well let yourself stand out. Especially if you, God forbid, find yourself in one of those five feet from your neighbor campgrounds. So here we go, Angela's wild and wonderful tent tour!
So we start out with your standard tent below. They are hard to stand up in and it is a real pain in the a** to zip and unzip the door. And the zipper gets stuck. Maybe easier to put up than most, but what I really hate is remembering to step up out of them in the middle of the night when I have to conduct nightly business, if you know what I mean (trip and fall city!). Pretty much for sleeping only!

Now here's what I'm talking about! This is camping in style. Looks easy to put up too, although you might have to haul it in a separate trailer. You can stand up in it, and it comes with mosquito screens. Probably won't stand up to any bad weather, but one of the major purposes of this tent is to show off anyway. Just keep checking the weather reports while you are sitting in this fantabulous tent being the envy of everyone else at the Possom Hollar KOA.

Oh now this is the tent for me. If I took this beauty camping I would have to make sure I was near water so the swans I brought could swim near it. Also I could hire someone to come fan me with a big, white, fluffy, feather fan all day. A bit too much perhaps, but not as overdone as the next one!

Wow. Check this out. It's a fairy tale tent that someone actually got married in! I can't imagine the groom that would consent to that. Whoever he is, I bet he was actually trying to conceal a big secret from his mother (if you know what I mean, again).

And now on to the impractical. I like the idea of being off the ground and all, but you would probably need a semi to haul this tent to the campground. One fierce storm in this thing and you'll be camping in a dirigible. Plus these tents probably cost more than your car.

Okay, this next one? Great design and all but you can't stand up in it, and it looks like a thousand point entry for mosquitoes. I'm sure it ain't cheap and it doesn't look all that rain proof to me. Looks like a tent that a nerdy engineering student would design to impress a girl. Pass!

Oh now here we go. Designed to keep your neighbors staring at you FULL TIME. Actually when my family camps, people stare at us all the time without an interesting tent, but that is another post. Again, one fierce storm and you'll get a rolling tour of the entire campground and an up close and personal view of all the people you plow over. It still would be fun having this tent though if you were around a lot of people. You could be inside pretending you were choking each other and a whole host of other bizarre and crude charades. Would work especially well for mooning over-zealous park rangers.

But now come on with this one. That would have to be one hell of a sturdy floor, and be hanging from one hell of a sturdy branch. Once again, one fierce storm and you would be knocked out with a concussion from the tree trunk you're tied to. I mean all that for one foot off the ground? If you're so worried about being on the ground, what the hell are you doing camping?

Okay...um....just not sure about this one. I guess it is designed to blend in with the environment. Well are they camping in a cow pasture then? Not at all comfortable looking either. Maybe it is a tent for "fooling" cows that you're not camping in their territory. I guess you would have a constant supply of cow patties for the campfire.

So, you would camp in this next one below, because why? I guess so you can be a giant punching balloon in at least 30 mph winds. Oh I get it, it's like a therapy tent to make you feel like you're back in the womb again (I know, that was dumb). But seriously, why?  Can't be for bears, because they can climb trees. Can you imagine getting in and out of this thing at night for your nightly tinkle? I'm sure this big dose of genius isn't cheap either.

Short to the point on this one. Looks really sturdy. Probably harder to put together than an aircraft carrier. Probably costs more than one too.

And finally on to this tent. It doesn't look like anything special and it probably has many of the problems of a standard camping tent, except...you can throw it up! Awesome! Well, except that you can't throw it down to put it away. Still, it is supposed to handle rough weather conditions. I know these cost a lot, but if you are primitive camping you don't give a damn about the convenience costs.

So now you're all set for the summer camping season. You
are going camping aren't you?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Rules, Rules, everywhere Rules! Even in the Wild!

Have you been anywhere that you were really trying to enjoy, and everywhere you looked it seemed there was a sign telling you not to do something! It seems like any natural setting you go to lately has a host of rules or signs. And you can't not just look at them and read them because their artificial-ness and authoritarian-ness stick out so much. Here are some examples below:

Now I do realize that we have to protect what is left of our forests and wild areas from all the stupid people. But my point is, stupid people are not going to stop doing their asinine things just because someone put a sign up. I can think of at least two occasions where annoying prohibitive signs ruffled my feathers.

One time was when I was visiting a wildlife museum in/or near Bass Pro Shops in Springfield, Mo. Not really an outside natural area, but you get my drift. All this place consisted of was a bunch of posed stuffed animals. Kind of ironic isn't it, going to see a museum of natural wildlife that is all dead. But anyway, in about every two feet of these exhibits there was a sign that read, "Do not touch!". I mean there were a ridiculous amount of signs. Some exhibits, which were behind ropes or some barrier like that, had signs clear up on the rocks that read "Do not climb". Well duh! Like I thought I could hop over this barrier right in front your moose and climb up and touch your obviously fake rocks! And as for the animals, I was actually tempted to touch them I must say, because if I did do any damage to them, they would hopefully replace them with something more interesting. I can't believe I paid four bucks to get in that place.

So as I left, I noticed a visitor log. I went over to the log and noticed people writing comments like "Nice Place" and "Had a Great Time!"  For real? Have these people never been to an amusement part, a zoo, or even the real woods! Well I have just always possessed a rebellious, critical spirit. Sometimes I count this as a weakness, other times a strength. I picked up that pen and wrote on the log, "I couldn't enjoy this place with all the damn signs. This is a hostile environment, and it is BOR-ING!"  Somehow I think that comment is no longer present on the visitor's log.

Another place that stands out to me in regards to this topic is a woods I used to visit awhile back. There were some signs telling me to be quiet and respect the quiet sounds of nature. Yo! This ain't a library! And the thing is, I'm pretty quiet in any natural setting anyway, and pretty much anywhere else for that matter. Wild areas shouldn't dictate your every behavior! Maybe I want to bust out with a nature song and dance around the woods kissing trees, what's wrong with that!
I guess I'm saying if you have to put any prohibitive sign in a natural area, make sure it's absolutely necessary, like these for example:

Friday, May 20, 2011

Why rednecks just need to leave the forest alone.

Look, I don't mean to be a hater. But the forest is a wonderful, peaceful place, and everywhere I look these days I see rednecks tacking it up. Y'all need to stay in the bars and trailers and leave the forested beauty of mother nature alone. I can get off saying all this because my ancestors come from a place in Kentucky called Tater Knob. If you're not sure whether or not to agree with me, please take the following in consideration...

Rednecks need to leave the forest alone because.....

They build hunting blinds in the forests like these.

They desecrate the scenic beauty of forests by doing this....

Which probably still isn't as bad as this wedding cake...

And they tear up the forest by doing stuff like this......

And by applying their genius solutions to unnecessary problems......

They take the natural products of the forest and do this with it......

And this.....

(Yes, that is a doorbell in a deer's a*******)

And finally, they can't even camp in the forest like normal people.....

Did I make my case?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Beauty of being Irregular

Throughout my entire life I have beaten up myself for not looking like other people, not having what other people have, or not getting things done as well or as fast as other people. It has taken almost my entire life to finally thank God that I am nothing like other people. Yet to some extent, I will probably continue to beat myself up for different reasons throughout my life. It seems like our own lives are a perspective that we have to modify and deal with for the rest of our lives to try and make ourselves happy. The following are things that I'm glad I didn't become or accomplish:

I went to high school in the late 80's. I  was always frustrated that I didn't have many friends and I wasn' t at all popular. In fact, a guy I went to high school with found me recently by the class year on Facebook, although he doesn't at all remember me (I graduated with 30 people).  But anyway, I was always sure that the reason I didn't have a ton of friends was because I didn't have the right wardrobe. I still remember some of the clothing items I would have died to have worn to school. So essentially, I desperately wanted to look like this:

Oh, the things we wish for. So moving on now to right after high school. I got this bright idea to go into the military like my dad did. That would have meant that I would have to spend the rest of my life eating lettuce and popcorn cakes. Also I'm mouthy and a little lazy. A depiction of what I would have been like in the military is this;

So I wised up and went to college, and I went to college some more. And some more. And I changed my major a lot, and a lot. A lot, a lot. I think at one time or another I was going to be everything but a bee keeper. Unfortunately this was a large part of my life. It was a lot of confusion and indecision that is fantastically captured as this;

And then one day I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to go to culinary school. What was I thinking? A glorified servitude job with crappy hours, lazy egotistical bosses and lousy pay I guess is what I was thinking. So I just upped and moved to Hyde Park, NY to the Culinary Institute of America. If you have ever read Anthony Bourdain's analysis of that place, he is right! The student body consists of mostly community college drop-outs and the classes are taught by disgruntled ex-chef's who treat all their students like dog meat (when they are not sleeping and doing cocaine with them). After one year of that place I got the hell out, which is a good thing because I was starting to look like this;

Well then I eventually pulled my head out of my butt and began doing what I was born to do. Only I can't talk about that much on here because with the Internet these days anyone can find anything I've ever said on here (and I say a lot) and use it against me. That can jeopardize my career which took me a long and convoluted time to get. I have to be nice, sweet and wonderful all the time from here on out (If I have to, I guess). Besides, I don't want to end up like this guy;

Because of my chosen profession I will never be rich. I will never live in the mansion I dreamed about when I was six. Come to think about it, most of my fantasies that I was disgusted that I never lived up to were conjured up when I was six. By now, I was supposed to be princess of the world. But that's okay,because being the princess of the world and having a huge mansion to take care of would take too much time from what I really love to do in life, which is running around like a weirdo in the forest and blogging about it. It doesn't matter at all now anymore because I have a new dream house that I have already started saving up for. It looks like this;

One final regret that I have had throughout my life was never getting married. I would have been horrified at the age of 20 knowing that I would not be married by the age I am now. Especially since I have been planning my wedding since age six! Now I am A-OK with that, especially since most all husbands after three or four years turn into this guy;

 And marriages are often notorious for producing these;

Well there you have it, my whole odd life summed up in a couple of crazy photos. The point is I'm me with all my eccentricities and weird decisions, and nobody else, and that makes me as rare and fun as those trees pictured up there. Those trees by the way are from the Dancing Forest of Kaliningrad, and they are considered a treasure. It's funny how we humans think of a tree that overcomes amazing obstacles and grows in unique ways as a treasure, but if we do the same thing, then we look down on ourselves.