The Metaphysical Forest: When will it let me in?

 

Even though I grew up in a particular religious tradition, I've always been kind of a metaphysics junkie. I remember being a little kid scouring the adult paranormal section at the Miamisburg, Ohio library for ghost stories because I thought the children's section was too juvenile. And I also have to admit I love the cheesy kind of new age art like the picture above. This kind of genre will never end up at Sotheby's or on the cover of Modern Art, but I love it's other-worldliness and it's "age of Aquarius" color scheme.

Even though there's a lot of kookiness (UFOs, pyramid hats) in new age philosophy, there's a lot of non-traditional truth I believe. Metaphysics fully embraces each new discovery in quantum mechanics. I love this about the new age movement, it adapts with new scientific discovery, even if it takes those adaptations a little out of field sometimes. Metaphysics asks all those really "out there" questions that the "normal" people of the world never would. I do try not to take my metaphysical inquisitiveness too far though.

For me personally, life is one big metaphysical journey. I'll hop on any new age bandwagon that comes my way, at least for a little while, to see what's on it and where it might take me. Then eventually I'll want another perspective and then I'll wait for another new age bandwagon to roll by and I'll hop on that for awhile. Assuredly, I come across some serious BS along the way, but it's the ride that's important!

There are a few things that I just can't figure out though. The first one is Chakras. I think it's an interesting concept, but yeah, whatever......

I mean, really, what are you supposed to do with these supposed power parts on your body? All I know so far is that you're supposed to keep them aligned and there are a lot ways you can supposedly do that like with yoga and stuff. Apparently, if you're feeling funky, out of sorts, or even sick, your chakras can be misaligned. When I have these symptoms, it usually means I need to procure some caffeine, FAST. Or maybe I'll just sit outside in the sun for a few minutes and clear my head. If I'm feeling really discombobulated, I'll drive all the way to my Doctor so he can look at me like I'm a hypochondriac and tell me that he'll run some tests "if you want me to". But anyway, I really started questioning the importance of chakras when I saw a thing online somewhere that was talking about the chakras of trees. Now c'mon, even a tree hugger like me has got to be skeptical about that.

Poor tree can't even do yoga if it's chakras aren't aligned! And speaking of yoga, that's another thing that hasn't won me over. Of course yoga isn't really "new age", people have been doing this for centuries. But a whole lot of new age type people do it. I tried it once, all it felt like to me was that I was stretching out seriously underused muscles. The spiritual, mind focus thing was totally lost on me. Mostly because my mind was more focused on the fact that with the next unpredictable sway of my butt way up in the air, it was concussion time.

This thought leads me to my new theory that the only reason people take yoga classes is to show their life is balanced enough to afford it, and to shop for future flexible dates.

Below: That would have to be one sturdy tree limb, or I'd be in a permanent yoga pose called "The Coma".

Okay, Okay, lots of people have actually said that yoga really helps them out in life and even helps their back from hurting. I'd personally rather hop into a nice, clean hot spa. Now on to my next metaphysical misunderstanding, astral projection.

Wow, would I love to be able to do this! I could ride Pirates of the Caribbean anytime! And then I would do all kinds of things like check out what's in Area 51, become an amateur underwater archaeologist, and have on-stage tickets to any concert I want. But no matter what techniques I try, I come up with nada. I've tried the countdown method, and the focus on the flame method. I've thought "fly! fly! fly!", but to no avail. There were sometimes when I had some pretty lucid dreams that some people might consider to be astral projections, but who knows with my weirdo psyche. Gods willing I'll get it all figured out before the new age apocalypse, 2012.

 

If not, the good thing about the new age world is that you can always find some professional help.

See! Nothing to worry about. I have to go now, I'm going to drive up in the forest and lay crystals all over my body for a pick-me-up!