The Tired Forest

For those two people who've noticed that I haven't blogged in awhile, I been really busy and a whole lot of tired. I'm so tired, I'm tired of being tired. In fact, I'm so exhausted that I think I might actually blog about it so I can express it even more! The past month has been strange, wonderful and frustrating all at the same time. And speaking of forests, if I were a tree right now, I would be this tree....

But it is so good to be back blogging. I checked my stats before I began writing this post, and I have a thousand more hits than the last time I posted! That just proves it, there are some people in the world that want forest-oriented blogging! Maybe now, I've finally found my niche in life. Anyway, I think I'm on a easier trail now. I'm getting less and less exhausted everyday and I'm actually starting to enjoy my new job and my new apartment. I now make enough money so that I can afford to drink human jet fuel everyday (energy drinks) and that really helps to transform me in the morning from a useless ball of dead plasma to a functional human being. Yeah, they may kill me one day, but at least I will have accomplished something by then.

Six hours is better than sleeping in a box for a lifetime because I can't get my butt out of bed to go to work. What I don't understand is why they don't sell energy, or more specifically, caffeine, in transdermal patches. Then you don't have that energy drink taste to deal with, you know that old/fruit punch/urine taste? To me, it still tastes better than coffee. The only coffee I like is Starbucks Iced Mocha, which you have to run a ponzi scheme to be able to afford everyday. One time I found a bag of coffee I liked. It was sold at a nature gift shop and it was nine bucks a bag. It was shade grown and all that in the Amazon. I think it benefits the Audubon Society. So with your morning plasma, you can also buy yourself some eco-do-gooder ego. But alas, that stuff is too hard to find.

Actually, what I really need now that things have calmed down a bit is some good old forest therapy.

This is a real bummer because I live no where near a forest now. I hope I didn't just disillusion anyone out there who thought I ran this blog from a little, hollowed-out tree house in the deep woods. I'm actually right smack in the middle of the desert. What to do, what to do. I turned to the Internet for suggestions. This is what I found:

These are shoes you can put on to make you feel like you're standing in a forest. Wow. It looks like a bum made shoes out of hard plastic packaging and added moss for comfort. I hope you'll forgive me that I didn't take the time to provide a link or a price for those (I was too tired).

So then I thought, I just need to create a small nature sanctuary like this one.

In order for me to do this:

1. It would cost over a thousand dollars.

2. It would look like a pile of crap in two days.

3. It would turn into an internal bug exhibit in hours.

4. I would have to drive a half an hour to the nearest assembly of trees and somehow put an magically invisible enchantment over the area so no one would see it.

Which leads me to another rant. I would love to decorate my apartment with lots of fake trees and fake greenery to create a forest-like atmosphere. So can anyone tell me, why the hell does fake leaves cost so much? Seriously, you can buy a cell phone for what it cost to buy a decent fake tree.

= big rip off

So I guess I'll have to settle for traveling to the forest, instead of trying to bring it to me. It's time for me to get in that old clunker of mine and blow something bad for the environment out of my exhaust so I can extol nature. I could totally use a week in a place like this below, where I can just sit by the window and stare out at nothing but real trees, real nature for awhile.....and also hope I don't crash down and roll to China.

What would your life be like if you brought this to the work?

So maybe you are not like me and all of your co-workers think you are relatively normal. In that case, you need to have a lot of fun and buy the lovely beverage containment device shown above, and change all that for kicks. You see, no one who's worked with me would bat an eye if I brought such an arcane curio like this to work. Do you think people will regard you as a tree/nature lover, or just an all out neo-hippie fruitcake?

The outrageousness of this treeman coffee mug is best paired with an ultra-conservative work setting. You know the place, or maybe you visit one to pay a bill or something . The type of place where they have to out-dress each other but wear nothing too interesting or creative (i.e. Ralph Lauren & DKNY). The type of place where the employees arrange their professionally photographed family pictures in their office to promote their raging, middle to upper-class normalcy. Probably there is at least one family picture in the building where everyone is posed in a big pyramid; all of them stacked up on top of each other, a moment forever captured of the one and only time they were ever that close to each other for more than three minutes. Also, no one talks normal everyday talk to each other in this setting, it's all in a super-formal pretense, where every one is addressed like they are the cornerstone of the company and a beloved family-team member.....well at least until your numbers are down, and then you're instantly a festering mound of dinosaur poop right in the middle of their polished marble lobby.

Yes, this is the perfect place to unleash the mystique of the treeman mug. And believe me, if you work in a place such as the one described above, you will get plenty of awkward stares. This mug, and I am a tree-loving nut, is ridiculous. However, it is not anywhere as off-putting as other mugs you could bring in the office. Like, for example, one that features three dimensional private parts, or a recent one I've seen where the mug handle doubles as a brass knuckle (although that would be nice if you're issued a pink slip). No, the treeman mug is not that ostentatiously blunt, it is subtly strange. See, no one may think your treeman mug will reflect on your job performance, but it will cause them to become secretly obsessed about your inner persona. The aura of this mug is such that no one will directly ask you about it like, "Hey Nick? What's up with that pile of freak on your desk?" And they will not just assume you love a little nature imagery with your morning plasma (you know, coffee) either.

So double-check your Facebook page because your co-workers will be all over it like Arnold Szhwarzenegger on a nanny. Don't leave anything suggestive or embarrassing in plain view on the seats of your car (such as a pamphlet entitled Astral Projection and the Workplace). Never leave any non-work related windows open on your computer screen that will heighten anyone's suspicions of your alleged peculiarity (such as this blog).

Eventually all this bizarre attention from your co-workers will get annoying. If any of them start any crap with you, because now the rumor is that every time you take a sip you're really talking to your tree-god idol, it is because now they see you as easily dispensable competition for the next big promotion. What got you in this situation is what will get you out of it. First you make sure the co-worker who has it out for you is somehow always in view of you and your treeman mug. Wherever the co-worker is you must sneakily change the position of your treeman mug to directly face the direction that person is in. The idea is that the creepy penetration of the treeman's skulking eyes will glare at the co-worker no matter where they are until they are escorted out of the workplace in a straitjacket.  Now this will take a while to execute, the most brilliant and sinister plans always do. And then the next thing you know "Ta Da!" you just found yourself one place up in line for that next big promotion!"

So if you now think that this treeman mug could be the very thing to bring such intrigue to your life, then you'll have to order The Spirit of the Forest Tankard from http://www.everywitchway.co.uk/products/details/3498.html for 12.49 pounds ( I have no idea how much that is  & I'm too lazy to check, sorry) from England.