The Metaphysical Forest: When will it let me in?

 

Even though I grew up in a particular religious tradition, I've always been kind of a metaphysics junkie. I remember being a little kid scouring the adult paranormal section at the Miamisburg, Ohio library for ghost stories because I thought the children's section was too juvenile. And I also have to admit I love the cheesy kind of new age art like the picture above. This kind of genre will never end up at Sotheby's or on the cover of Modern Art, but I love it's other-worldliness and it's "age of Aquarius" color scheme.

Even though there's a lot of kookiness (UFOs, pyramid hats) in new age philosophy, there's a lot of non-traditional truth I believe. Metaphysics fully embraces each new discovery in quantum mechanics. I love this about the new age movement, it adapts with new scientific discovery, even if it takes those adaptations a little out of field sometimes. Metaphysics asks all those really "out there" questions that the "normal" people of the world never would. I do try not to take my metaphysical inquisitiveness too far though.

For me personally, life is one big metaphysical journey. I'll hop on any new age bandwagon that comes my way, at least for a little while, to see what's on it and where it might take me. Then eventually I'll want another perspective and then I'll wait for another new age bandwagon to roll by and I'll hop on that for awhile. Assuredly, I come across some serious BS along the way, but it's the ride that's important!

There are a few things that I just can't figure out though. The first one is Chakras. I think it's an interesting concept, but yeah, whatever......

I mean, really, what are you supposed to do with these supposed power parts on your body? All I know so far is that you're supposed to keep them aligned and there are a lot ways you can supposedly do that like with yoga and stuff. Apparently, if you're feeling funky, out of sorts, or even sick, your chakras can be misaligned. When I have these symptoms, it usually means I need to procure some caffeine, FAST. Or maybe I'll just sit outside in the sun for a few minutes and clear my head. If I'm feeling really discombobulated, I'll drive all the way to my Doctor so he can look at me like I'm a hypochondriac and tell me that he'll run some tests "if you want me to". But anyway, I really started questioning the importance of chakras when I saw a thing online somewhere that was talking about the chakras of trees. Now c'mon, even a tree hugger like me has got to be skeptical about that.

Poor tree can't even do yoga if it's chakras aren't aligned! And speaking of yoga, that's another thing that hasn't won me over. Of course yoga isn't really "new age", people have been doing this for centuries. But a whole lot of new age type people do it. I tried it once, all it felt like to me was that I was stretching out seriously underused muscles. The spiritual, mind focus thing was totally lost on me. Mostly because my mind was more focused on the fact that with the next unpredictable sway of my butt way up in the air, it was concussion time.

This thought leads me to my new theory that the only reason people take yoga classes is to show their life is balanced enough to afford it, and to shop for future flexible dates.

Below: That would have to be one sturdy tree limb, or I'd be in a permanent yoga pose called "The Coma".

Okay, Okay, lots of people have actually said that yoga really helps them out in life and even helps their back from hurting. I'd personally rather hop into a nice, clean hot spa. Now on to my next metaphysical misunderstanding, astral projection.

Wow, would I love to be able to do this! I could ride Pirates of the Caribbean anytime! And then I would do all kinds of things like check out what's in Area 51, become an amateur underwater archaeologist, and have on-stage tickets to any concert I want. But no matter what techniques I try, I come up with nada. I've tried the countdown method, and the focus on the flame method. I've thought "fly! fly! fly!", but to no avail. There were sometimes when I had some pretty lucid dreams that some people might consider to be astral projections, but who knows with my weirdo psyche. Gods willing I'll get it all figured out before the new age apocalypse, 2012.

 

If not, the good thing about the new age world is that you can always find some professional help.

See! Nothing to worry about. I have to go now, I'm going to drive up in the forest and lay crystals all over my body for a pick-me-up!

 

What would your life be like if you brought this to the work?

So maybe you are not like me and all of your co-workers think you are relatively normal. In that case, you need to have a lot of fun and buy the lovely beverage containment device shown above, and change all that for kicks. You see, no one who's worked with me would bat an eye if I brought such an arcane curio like this to work. Do you think people will regard you as a tree/nature lover, or just an all out neo-hippie fruitcake?

The outrageousness of this treeman coffee mug is best paired with an ultra-conservative work setting. You know the place, or maybe you visit one to pay a bill or something . The type of place where they have to out-dress each other but wear nothing too interesting or creative (i.e. Ralph Lauren & DKNY). The type of place where the employees arrange their professionally photographed family pictures in their office to promote their raging, middle to upper-class normalcy. Probably there is at least one family picture in the building where everyone is posed in a big pyramid; all of them stacked up on top of each other, a moment forever captured of the one and only time they were ever that close to each other for more than three minutes. Also, no one talks normal everyday talk to each other in this setting, it's all in a super-formal pretense, where every one is addressed like they are the cornerstone of the company and a beloved family-team member.....well at least until your numbers are down, and then you're instantly a festering mound of dinosaur poop right in the middle of their polished marble lobby.

Yes, this is the perfect place to unleash the mystique of the treeman mug. And believe me, if you work in a place such as the one described above, you will get plenty of awkward stares. This mug, and I am a tree-loving nut, is ridiculous. However, it is not anywhere as off-putting as other mugs you could bring in the office. Like, for example, one that features three dimensional private parts, or a recent one I've seen where the mug handle doubles as a brass knuckle (although that would be nice if you're issued a pink slip). No, the treeman mug is not that ostentatiously blunt, it is subtly strange. See, no one may think your treeman mug will reflect on your job performance, but it will cause them to become secretly obsessed about your inner persona. The aura of this mug is such that no one will directly ask you about it like, "Hey Nick? What's up with that pile of freak on your desk?" And they will not just assume you love a little nature imagery with your morning plasma (you know, coffee) either.

So double-check your Facebook page because your co-workers will be all over it like Arnold Szhwarzenegger on a nanny. Don't leave anything suggestive or embarrassing in plain view on the seats of your car (such as a pamphlet entitled Astral Projection and the Workplace). Never leave any non-work related windows open on your computer screen that will heighten anyone's suspicions of your alleged peculiarity (such as this blog).

Eventually all this bizarre attention from your co-workers will get annoying. If any of them start any crap with you, because now the rumor is that every time you take a sip you're really talking to your tree-god idol, it is because now they see you as easily dispensable competition for the next big promotion. What got you in this situation is what will get you out of it. First you make sure the co-worker who has it out for you is somehow always in view of you and your treeman mug. Wherever the co-worker is you must sneakily change the position of your treeman mug to directly face the direction that person is in. The idea is that the creepy penetration of the treeman's skulking eyes will glare at the co-worker no matter where they are until they are escorted out of the workplace in a straitjacket.  Now this will take a while to execute, the most brilliant and sinister plans always do. And then the next thing you know "Ta Da!" you just found yourself one place up in line for that next big promotion!"

So if you now think that this treeman mug could be the very thing to bring such intrigue to your life, then you'll have to order The Spirit of the Forest Tankard from http://www.everywitchway.co.uk/products/details/3498.html for 12.49 pounds ( I have no idea how much that is  & I'm too lazy to check, sorry) from England.